The 10,000 fans post!

The first thing I notice as I open up this blog page is that my username has a zero after it. Jamie Soltis 0. I didn't put it there, and I don't like that these Wix people can nail down my essence so effortlessly. And by "people," I mean robots. I'm guessing the algorithms based off my Google searches ("elastic pants for work"; "arby coupons ny"; "inspire gif sad") classify me as a zero. Oh well. At least I don't have to pretend to be cool anymore. Welcome!

Is it fun being a narcissist, you ask? Not really, in my opinion, though I'm the kind that yells at myself a lot. I bet the kind where you really like yourself is super fun. Can you imagine? You wouldn't have to write a blog wondering how to make friends because you wouldn't need any friends! You have yourself, and that is the best company anyone could ask for, you lucky duck! But whether you're Sad Narcissist or Fun Narcissist, you get to pursue fun activities like blog writing, because the world needs to hear what you have to say.

Side note: I heard this thing where a lot of humans use the word "I" like a billion times a day or whatever, but there's at least one country who uses the word "you" far more often. I think it subconsciously trains them to think of other people before themselves. For instance, even a sentiment like "I love you" might instead translate to IDK, "you are loved by me" or whatever. Yeah. I'm a pretty skilled entomologist.

Okay, so speaking of you, why are you here? Maybe you like beer? Or maybe you have trouble making friends and you want to know if beer can help with this? Perhaps we can be little scientists together. Let's do the scientific process together! Is that what it's called, the one with the hypothesis? I'm going to try to write it down from memory:

1) Ask the question?

Can beer help me make friends?

2) Hypothesis

Yes.

3) Collect data

Will do.

4) Conclusion

TBD

I know there were 5 steps. What was the other one? Experiment? Is that different than collecting data? Is there just like a general notes section? Like I feel like there should be space for writing things like "2 beers seemed to earn me one new friend, while 6 beers made me lose five old friends." Hm. Science isn't as easy as it looks.

Also, we need to take note of the year-- it's 2020, aka BEST YEAR EVA!!! So in general, there will be less be people around. But perhaps that will be cause for more intimate relationships as opposed to the really fun one-and-done ones. It's so hard to get lost in a crowd these days.

Now, although I am posting today, I do not plan on testing these theories today. One, it's cold out, and two, I'm about to have my period (I know, I know, it's a little hard to admit, but I am one of those rare people who gets one) and I don't feel like having a beer, alright? But I did go to two breweries yesterday, and although I didn't take any photos, I can weave you a beautiful tongue picture.

Yesterday, my lover and I decided to go for a drive, our new pandemic-era weekend activity whose excitement is matched only by our walks around the neighborhood cemetery. We tended to choose outings to areas that were less than two hours away from our home. I closed my eyes and thought of the vibe I wanted to immerse myself in: going north meant I could wear a cozy sweater and scarf, inhaling the crisp autumn air as I strolled leisurely around a park holding a cup of hot cocoa between my mittened hands. My third hand would be walking my golden retriever, and my hair, like Rover's, would be blonde. Going east would allow me to stroll not-quite-as-leisurely around a Target, or maybe even a SuperTarget!, unless I went kind of northeast, in which case I could sit on the end of a dock with a pipe in my mouth and a pole in my hands, waiting for a dumb-dumb bluefish to take the bait. Or I could go south, and play glow-in-the-dark skee-ball with loud, confident folks in between Jagerbombs.

In the end, we decided that nothing could top the scenic route of the Long Island Expressway and started driving east. While The Lover (we'll just refer to him as Macho Man from here on out) drove, we listened to This American Life as I Googled "cute towns long island." Babylon came up as a town beloved by millenials. Good enough for me! Macho Man and I are both incredibly hip. I directed us towards Babylon and then Googled "best things to do Babylon" and the first thing that popped up on all the lists was Argyle Park. I had the brief "wait do i live in parks now" pandemic flash, but quickly succumbed to the reality ("yes, you do") with a submissive relief. After about 90 minutes, we arrived at the park, walked around its lake, and got back into the car.

"Brewery?" Macho Man said.

"Yes," I answered.

The New World usually requires reservations at such places, so I called a few to no avail. But then, via Google, I found HopWins Brewery, which I liked a lot because their front page said that they took Covid-19 very seriously. So off we went! (PS: Main Street in Babylon was very cute, just like Google promised! I bet they're one of those streets who looks very festive at Christmastime.)

I felt great about our choice in brewery as soon as we turned down the road on which it was located, because the neighborhood felt half-residentialy/half-industrialy, as opposed to the part-of-a-strip-mall environment that I fear a lot of Long Island hangouts reside in. (This fear is unwarranted. I do not know The Island well.)

We pulled into the parking lot and- bonus!!-- another brewery was right next to HopWins! This was the equivalent of that scene in Toy Story when the bad boy was playing that claw game at the pizza place and wins Buzz and Woody. Double prizes!

We went to HopWins first and were greeted by two screaming dogs along the way. I love puppies! A food truck was parked off to the side. This place was getting better and better. We entered the brewery and were pleased to find it fairly empty--it was a small place, and I'd say there were about 8 people in there total. Humungo Jenga and Connect Four lined the walls, which in Before-Times would thrill me but now skeeve me out just the littlest bit. The room where the brewing takes place was darkened, but you could make out the tanks through the window. Bathroom= single but big. The whole place felt pretty clean to me.

We took a seat at the bar and and were tended to immediately. I started reading the beer menu. BY THE WAY, APPARENTLY not only is Macho Man against cute punny names for IPAs, he's against breweries taking the popular, logical, and artistic choice of using chalkboards and colored chalk to list said IPAs. I told him he was wrong and that is all I will speak of on the subject.

Now, despite any kind of effort I may make, most of this blog is going to end up being about IPAs. Sue me! I love them!! I love grapefruit juice, too, you got a problem with that? And although the demographics you may want to place me in based off of this knowledge are probably correct, just know that Macho Man loves them, too. And he is the coolest person on earth, so what are you gonna do? Anyway, I don't mean to get defensive. I never get made fun of, ever. But I know how you beer people are.

The blog may also run into many porters and stouts at this time, because they warm me up and are my one source of joy during the long, dark, frigid six months of winter I choose to live in year after year. "But it was 70 degrees last week!" I hear you whine. Yeah, well, not to a complainer it wasn't.

I ordered the Hoppy Focker (I know you all think I'm a tough guy by now, but don'tcha know, I still get butterflies when I almost-curse in public. God, I'm blushing as we speak.), an American IPA, and Macho Man got Cream of the Hops, a New England Cream IPA. Now, I don't know what this says about me, but I had never heard of a Cream IPA in my life. I like both of those words separately, but together? Have you ever poured lemon juice into milk? I curdled inside. On HopWins's website, the description of Cream of the Hops promises that "you’ll feel like you're floating on a pillow one moment and dancing in a mosh pit the next," and honest to God, that's verbatim what Macho Man said he felt like after his first sip. It was really good, though. I liked it better than Hoppy Focker, which didn't make me feel like I was in a mosh pit AT ALL. It wasn't bad. A little watery, which makes sense, as I understand that's a main ingredient in beer. Maybe if they got to use New York City water I would have liked it better. (Have you heard about our bagels?) Honestly, I bet it's a fantastic beer, but maybe just a little bitter for my poor little taste buds. The Cream of the Hops had more of that grapefruity burst I'm always looking for, so that's the one I shall re-order, should I ever find myself in Bay Shore again. Oh yes, and in addition to the beer, Macho Man and I shared a mini bag of pretzels, because the new rules say that bars can no longer sell just alcohol. I think we can all agree these pretzels make a big difference.

Onward.

Oh wait! The new friends part. Can beer make me friends. Okay, so, I didn't have the desire or idea to make friends until this morning, thus making friends was not on my agenda. But had it been, the easiest mark would have been this dude that stood so close to Macho Man while ordering a beer that I was starting to get jealous. Also, he and his friends were very bad at Jenga, and I like that in a person. I really like winning games.

Now I will speculate. Sometimes it's hard to start a conversation with strangers, and I'm developing a little upper lip sweat as I think about just inserting myself into a conversation. But here are a few tactics that come to mind:

1) Tell them I'm making a vlog and one of the titles of an entry is "I have 10,000 followers." Everyone loves talking about themselves, and these seemed like the types of people (outgoing) that would love to be on TV. Then I just get to ask them questions about themselves and off they go (conversationally speaking).

2) I could video tape their game of Jenga and then show them the humorous ending in which the tower inevitably falls down. Ha ha ha! Isn't life fun?? That may be a little creepy though. I don't know if I would love a stranger recording me without my permission. Come to think of it, it might be illegal. Scratch #2.

3) I could hide my phone entirely and say something like, "I don't believe in phones, I think they are destroying natural human connection," to which they would say, "Yeah, but they actually make communicating so much more convenient. Like, my aunt and I comment on each other's Facebook statuses all the time, and without that, we wouldn't have a relationship at all, because she lives in Tacoma," and I would say, "Facebook? What's that?" (I would have already mentioned at this point that I don't watch TV) and then after their initial disbelief, they would try to explain Facebook to me and convince me to sign up, even though it's "admittedly a waste of time" and "people just use it to fight" and "even my mom has it now." And I'd say, "Well, I'll think about it, but I just think an old-fashioned phone calls sounds so much more meaningful." And they'll say, "Ugh, I hate talking on the phone." And by this time, they'll have been doing that thing where they keep looking over their shoulder while they're talking to me to make it look like someone wants their attention (but also making sure to nod at my points, because they are polite) and then they'll be like, "Yeah, Jay, one sec!" and then, "I'm so sorry, but my friend needs me. But it was nice talking to you!" and I'll be like, "You too! You know what, I know this is so weird, cause we're like, in our thirties, but I mean, we should hang out sometime, right? Ha ha ha like, is it weird to make new friends when you're thirty?" And they will definitely not want to exchange numbers and their mind will race as they try to come up with an excuse without letting an awkward pause emerge and they'll probably say something clever like, "I know, right? Well, nice talking to you!" and I'll say, "You already said that." And they'll kind of laugh and then disappear into the non-crowd. I'll watch them talk in a low voice to their friend, and their friend will glance up at me from underneath their bangs and then I'll quickly look away when we make eye contact and then I'll hear a sharp laugh, so I'll toss my hair and flash on my very big mouth smile at the bartender and order another beer because that didn't bother me one bit, no siree! Isn't it great being in your thirties and not caring about bullshit like that anymore? Yessiree bob, yessiree bob.

4) I could be very cool so they'll want to start a conversation with me. What are cool things to do?

a. drink beer in one gulp

b. sip beer and say words like "crisp" and "Cicero."

c. make out with Macho Man at the bar and maybe one other person at the bar (through the mask if they're a stranger)

d.win at Jenga

e. quote Borat

f. skateboard in?

I hate to say it, but I'm not sure I have a handle on what's cool anymore. This might not be the plan for me, but if you're here for advice, you can fill in your own ideas.

5) Walk around and drop phrases of things I actually want to talk about, like Schitt's Creek, DNA editing, or The Baby-Sitters Club, and especially that part in The Baby-Sitters Club where Janine wonders if and where an apostrophe should be in their marketing materials.

6) Shout "WE are the virus!" and see who talks to me.

7) Be normal and ask someone for a restaurant recommendation since I'm not from around here. If they suggest the food truck, well, I really like that. If not, that's cool too. See where the conversation goes.

8) Buy a round of drinks for everybody, except the designated drivers! (Who, by the way, are heros. You should at least buy them the pretzels if everyone else is getting a beer.) Say it's in celebration of the brewery, because they've undoubtedly been going through hard times like all of us, yet here they are, providing us a place to distancedly gather, a sense of normalcy, and fresh beer. And just a lot of happiness. Yeah. Number 8 might be the one, if money's not a barrier.

9) Ask someone for their recommendation of a beer. Then you can talk about beer, and it makes the other person feel respected, since you are openly valuing their opinion.

10) Be a celebrity

Okay, anyway, hopefully one of those ideas will work. Please try one out the next time you go somewhere and report back to me.

Now onward- for real- MM and I pay our tab and walk ten feet to the next bar, TBC. (Googled it: stands for "The Brewers Collective." Wow. Same dilemma as the BSC. With no apostrophe, it's a collective of brewers. Should we add one at the end of "Brewers," the collective would belong to multiple brewers. Both would suffice, yet it seems they chose the former.) This place seemed a touch darker in a sleek sort of way, and in a lighting sort of way. They, too, had a chalkboard displaying the diverse beer selection but had stuck to the classic white chalk as their quill. Here we ordered a flight to share. We were allowed four tastes, so we chose:

1) Hazy Worker, a New England IPA

2) Paul ReBeer, a West Coast Session IPA

3) I Killed the King, an Oktoberfest Lager

4) It's Peanut Butter Porter Time, a timely sour. (JK. It was a porter.)

Our favorite out of these? I Killed the King, the Oktoberfest Lager! Why? I don't know! Maybe it was balanced? It was flavorful and refreshing and had a bad-boy vibe, as I was drinking it in November even though it belonged back in Oktober. I can't really remember details about the other three. But I do remember that the more I sipped, the happier I got, so they must have been good.

PS: Apparently this place has 23 taps and introduces a new brew each week. That is very exciting to me.

PPS: On Dec. 3, HopWins has a psychic coming. I'm used to my psychics in their own carpeted living rooms or the auditorium in a Pennsylvanian casino (my mom and I saw Theresa Medium once), not breweries, so I thought it was worth mentioning.

Conclusion:

All in all, it was a great way to break up the routine of pandemic life, and I suggest you try these places out. They were fun and tasty, and that is my professional review.

Beerly,

JLS